How to write a good first page

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Rkcapps
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How to write a good first page

Postby Rkcapps » Sun, 08 Apr 2018 7:47 pm


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mstary1
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby mstary1 » Mon, 09 Apr 2018 1:43 pm

One to watch when I get home, my work doesn't allow youtube links. Now that would be a good thread Rachel,
post your first page of your story. :)

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Rkcapps
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby Rkcapps » Mon, 09 Apr 2018 2:01 pm

Do you mean everyone post the first page of a work? Comments on it or not? Or have someone say which they prefer?

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mstary1
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby mstary1 » Mon, 09 Apr 2018 3:02 pm

Oh, just a general thing to chase the Monday blues away lol. No need for comments unless people want to.

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Rkcapps
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby Rkcapps » Mon, 09 Apr 2018 3:24 pm

Why don't you start the ball rolling then :)?

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mstary1
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby mstary1 » Thu, 12 Apr 2018 5:02 pm

yes me lady lol. Page one of the Goblin prank. :mrgreen:

— CHAPTER ONE—

Uninvited Guests

Cook Strait, New Zealand. 1841

‘All hands on deck! Reef in the sails before the storm send us all to Davey Jones’ locker. Come one, come on, look lively now ye bilge-rats!’ Bosun Jarrod cursed as another massive wave engulfed the ship. Sailors skidded down the sloping decks of the Springwood to land painfully against the heaving side of their ship. Others were not so lucky and crashed into the cannons with a sickening thud before collapsing on deck. The bow rose suddenly and sailors grabbed onto anything they could find and hung on for their lives. Up and up the bow rose until reached the crest of the wave before crashing down in a cascade of foaming madness. From below came the sound of things breaking apart.

‘God almighty!’ muttered Jarrod, as he picked himself up off the heaving deck, ‘we won’t survive much more of this!’ The voyage from England seemed to have been cursed from the moment they left Portsmouth. Nothing seemed to go right. Storms had chased them all the way down The Horn and into The Pacific. Sails had torn, the grog had leaked out of the barrels and the meat had spoiled early. Evil seemed to reside in the very timbers of the ship.

At one stage, the crew out of desperation had almost turned on the women and tossed them overboard. Having women on-board a ship always brought bad luck and only the threat of keelhauling had kept the near mutinous crew in check. Now, so close to their destination of Port Nicholson, the mother of all storms arrived to take them all straight to depths of hell.
From below, a man staggered out of a hatch and lurched forward to the Bosun. ‘We’re taking on water, Bosun — that last wave has stove in the hull!’

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CageSage
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby CageSage » Thu, 12 Apr 2018 5:25 pm

First stab at comments:

Long sentences in a situation where thinking would be quick.
Too many 'had' sentences. Seemed happens twice - passive.

It could be a good start to a story, but I'd prefer the action, or the character in action, rather than the dialogue.

Eg.
The crash followed the boom. Bosun Jarrod cursed roundly. He [did something to ensure he wasn't tossed over the side like a ]. Then the dialogue. Short bits of it as he does stuff to ensure the crew survive. Be specific about who gets hit by the cannon. Then the picture of the bow rising up like a [] to become a crest of white fury that spat foam and fear, etc.
I'd recommend always using double quotes for dialogue (easier to replace if necessary).

It's looking interesting.

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mstary1
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Re: How to write a good first page

Postby mstary1 » Thu, 19 Apr 2018 12:20 pm

Thanks Cage, I've pasted your comments into my draft for review. I do this for all comments as a fresh pair of eyes is very vaulable.
Cheers mate.


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